So, I think I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life.
Just recently, I’ve gained loads of motivation back. I’m able to wake up in the morning and work out (6 AM, even). I take time out of my day to write EVERY DAY. I look in the mirror and think “Wow, I look gooood today”.
Something is different.
I’m 25 and when I was 24 (and probably 23), I was freaking sad and normally I would use the other “f” word, but I’m trying to be not crazy. 😉 I would sleep for much too long. I would cry at things other than Criminal Minds episodes I’ve seen 20 times. I would talk myself out of anything fun. I would dream of a better life rather than working on the one I had.
The thought of depression has always floated around my head, but I’ve always brushed it off. Mainly because I’m really easily amused. Lots of simple things make me happy. Happy people don’t get depressed, right?
The first time I had that thought was my junior year of high school. Change typically helps me, so once I was off to college, I really didn’t experience it again until two years ago.
That was also when I had my first panic attack. It was at work and the simplest way to describe it is that I was incredibly hyper and probably shouldn’t have driven that 30 minutes home.
My heart rate wouldn’t go down and I ended up going on a run, knowing that would force me to breathe and calm down my heartbeat. How I came up with that logical solution, I can’t tell ya.
That was really the only attack I had, but I contributed all of my mental health issues to anxiety after that. Being stubborn and not wanting to put drugs in my body (and not wanting to pay a doctor bill), my mom and I discussed and made changes to my life that helped.
But it only helped the anxiety.
I think this month is truly the first time I can say I’ve felt good. The start of 2018 marks the start of my “climbing up the dark hole I dug myself into”, but July is when it changed.
It marks the first time I haven’t pushed the snooze button or set my alarm back in years.
It marks the first time I’ve felt motivated about keeping up my appearance in a year.
It marks the first time I’ve been excited about my future in a very long time.
It marks the first time I’ve had a plan since college.
It marks my first step.
Like, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN, THOUGH?
I’m still learning why in the world I finally have my old motivation back. I’m not sure what I did to change it, but I’m welcoming it with wide open arms. I’ve decided to document some of it, so I can learn and others can learn.
It’s a journey back to my old self and as they say, it’s always about the journey.