I just recently turned 25 and while I can look in the mirror and still feel 21, it’s hard knowing I’m not. I thought I would be in a much different place than I am now.
The year of 24 was plagued with a lot of anxiety that only let hope trickle in. It was my darkest year yet and I’m still struggling on pulling myself out of that hole.
The only thing that helped was my obnoxious imagination.
It still helps today and pushes my writing even further, but unfortunately it acts as a curse, too. My dreams stretch so far that sometimes I’m left in the dust behind them with little hope I’ll ever get there.
But I’m trying and I’m taking one step at a time. Things will never happen if I don’t try and that’s what I have to remember everyday.
I wrote this at some point in 2017. Written for a little writing challenge about flying, it became a short story outlining anxiety in a different way.
Wind glided across her skin, melting into her hair and flowing around her body. Kya held her eyes closed, not needing to see the darkened clouds blending into the bright sky around her. She was used to it. Instead, she marveled in the feeling of being up high and alone— the feeling of being in control.
Her lips slowly turned up into a grin. Kya flipped to her back and stretched out her arms to the side. She reached through the tips of her finger and toes. Adrenaline pumped through her veins, erupting in a giddy shake. Her hips and arms danced. She wiggled all the way down to her fingertips.
Kya’s long mane of hair whipped around her face and she grasped at her neck, pushing away the strands. She held her palms to her forehead, keeping her locks out of the way and finally opened her eyes.
She seemed to be in a cloud at this point. It was a hazy gray, but light enough to see through. The bright blue of the sky shown through like a diamond through dirt. It was beautiful and gave her an extra jolt of energy.
Kya brought her knees to her stomach, flipping back around, and pushed up even higher in the sky, like a rocket taking off into space. She twirled in circles, bringing her hands up above her head.
An icy touch sparked her fingertips. She jerked them back to her sides, but the damage was already done. She felt the cold run through her veins, causing the hairs on her body to stand taut.
She began falling, the force that was pushing her up no longer swimming around her. It left slowly, draining from her body inch by inch. It was only when the last of it left her toes that her smile left with it.
The air twisted and pulled at her legs, her arms. She could barely see through the mess her hair had become. It was knotted and plastered to her face. Her breathing became shallow because each time she opened her mouth to take a breath, her throat closed up to keep everything out.
She spun in the air, the speed of her downfall pulsing into her chest. She tried to maneuver into different positions, anything that might help slow her down, but it was no use.
The darkness was in clear sight. The hole was smooth and deep. She knew because she dug it herself.
Kya opened her eyes as wide as she could and took one last look at the beautiful blue sky above her. With a sigh, she accepted the darkness and it swallowed her whole. She landed with a thud on at the bottom. The ground was comfortable and she was used to it, but it didn’t make her like it.
She let her body fall back and her head bounced on the dirt underneath her. It was almost like a pillow, though not as reassuring.
Her eyes closed and she placed her forearms over them. After a few deep breaths, Kya let herself fall asleep, her stomach still in knots.
She knew what was happening and she knew the logical way to get out of this hole, but all she wanted to do was sleep and attempt to get her mind off of it. She couldn’t explain the exact reason why she wanted to because she didn’t even know herself.
It was just another happy day, followed by a sad night. Her ups and downs were endless, but she still kept going. After all, it’s one step forward and two steps back and one day her step forward was going to be a whole hell of a lot bigger than her two steps back.