Usually alone, but now lonely.

Let me be straight, I typically put maybe 10 percent effort into my dating life. In general,  I’ve come to terms with not feeling ready to date or rather just wanting more relationships with people on a platonic level.

BUT NOW

I’m not sure what to think and that’s not really helping in the mental health department. (However, I do feel pretty solid at the moment, so don’t be alarmed yet, mom and dad.)

It’s hard not knowing the next time I get to be around people. At least when I was giving minimal effort, I knew that I had multiple chances, specially with spring and summer coming up (patio weather!).

Now, we are seeing reports that this could be on and off until there’s a vaccine and vaccines apparently take a year or two to figure out! That seems excessive to me, but I also haven’t taken a science class since 2012, so…

I felt and do feel like I’m in a positive place in life. I had even scheduled a hair appointment before I left my last one like a good hair person does. I, of course, had to reschedule it because the entire world broke, but it felt good and adult-like.

Most of my life is still in place (I still have to go to work) and I wasn’t very active during the week anyway, but I just have no idea how to combat this. The thought of not being able to be around people is a tough one I’ve been ignoring.

When it gets rough and I feel like I need to redownload tinder, I usually focus on sports games or going home to my family for the weekend and here we are with none of that.

I know we all don’t know, but I just don’t know.

 

cheers,

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Highs and Lows

“The lows don’t last any longer than the highs do.”

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I’ve had quite the emotional rollercoaster in the last week. If I’m being honest, most of the last few years have been mid-level and low. I mean, definitely highs are in there, but not very much.

This week however showed me just how fast my mind can take me up and down—literally within minutes. I don’t exactly know how to deal with any of it—much like most of the entire world, I assume—but with my recent “awareness” regarding my mental health, it’s been a strange journey. I can sit there and be sad, knowing my mind is why I’m sad and I don’t need to be sad, but still stay sad. Like, what am I supposed to do in that situation?

I’ve been struggling more with being by myself for 90% of my life and work routines, lately. I don’t have a ton of close friends in the area and they all are “terrible texters”.

I keep reminding myself that it’s not a bad thing, it’s just a time where I can focus on myself and my goals (like writing this damn book STILL). That doesn’t always work, though because as we know, our mind is a dangerous place.

BUT, in light of some good news and a fantastic “high”, I wanted to get on this darn blog and post a nice picture with some truthful words. I’m still not good at talking about my mental health struggles, but I still think this helps, so I’m going to try and keep it up. Plus, it’s warming up, so outside days are a’coming, which means many more pictures of this beautiful city and not just from my window.

Wherever you are, I hope you’ve had some highs in your day to combat the lows, because like the quote at the beginning says, life is an up and down journey—it never stays the same.

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Getting your hopes up sucks.

Over the past couple years, I’ve established a pretty good track record of being introduced to opportunities that feel like a winner.

You know, when you nail an interview or have a really good connected conversation with a future employer?

It feels good. It feels right.

BUT OF COURSE, I can’t have nice things.

Almost every opportunity that I wanted ended in a fluke. Either they decided not to even have a certain position, pushed it back, didn’t “recall” our interview and meeting, or didn’t respond to any calls or emails checking in on my interview time.

This is literally the worst feeling ever and it usually makes me want to cry, but here we are writing on the blog because it happened again and I don’t know what to do.

In reference to my mental health good days and bad days—this is a bad day.

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20 Ways To Smile

A lot of my latest posts have centered around dealing with mental health, mostly because I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it and writing helps, and this one is no different.

I found a list of blog post ideas on Pinterest for mental health-centric bloggers. I, of course, can’t find it now, but it’s Pinterest, there are hundreds of options.

The first one was to write twenty things that make you smile, and let me tell you, it was harder than it should have been to get going, but when I was done, I couldn’t stop.

And that felt really good.

So, I encourage you to try it on your bad days or your good. Here’s mine for some inspiration. 🙂

20 THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE:

  1. Seeing a friend after a long time (aka a week or two)—this also includes dog friends, but I will always be excited to see a dog.
  2. Music, specifically that song of the moment (you know, the one where you’ll drop anything and everything to jam out to?), which right now is Let Me by Zayn.
  3. A tried and true goofball. This makes (hopefully) everyone smile, but man, I love a corny jokester.
  4. Writing. This is obvious, but what makes me smile about it is when I hit those goals, but at this point, if I get any writing done, I’m happy.
  5. Making other people laugh. I’m not super witty, but sometimes it’s there. 😉
  6. Singing belting in the car. Enough said.
  7. Solo dance parties
  8. Fresh air whether it’s winter, fall, spring, or summer, it doesn’t matter.
  9. Laying in the sun (preferably in the summer this time).
  10. A well written book. I run into so many books that just don’t live up to my expectations, though it does give me a boost of motivation because I’m pretty sure I can do better than that.
  11. Playing sports
  12. Winning sports (and/or games of any kind)
  13. The cabin aka Canada.
  14. My family
  15. My paycheck (because we have to remember, I’m broke and money makes me smile).
  16. Stella Cidre (it’s alcohol, guys)
  17. Tacos, Mac and cheese, pineapple
  18. Giving gifts. This one recently developed in the last few years, but I’m glad it did. There’s a whole lotta joy that comes from giving!
  19. Any and all of my story ideas (I will talk your ear off.)
  20. Women supporting women because that’s we I need and that’s what we need and it’s always a wonderful, empowering sight to see.

 

This might be all over the place, but I was stuck at five for a long time. Now, I could probably make it to 40 in a few minutes, but I think that’s the point. We need to remember to put our mindset back in a place of happiness, rather than continue to pull in down into darkness. Harder said than done, but this little exercise is a good one to help.

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Get OUT Of Your Rut

I’ve been in some sort of rut for the past couple years, which means I haven’t taken the time (or didn’t even try) to take two seconds and figure out something to get going again.

Now, that I feel like I’m on the rise, I’ve been able to analyze a little bit about the things that help my mind jump and my happiness grow.

It’s pretty standard stuff—things we probably hear all the time, but to see them in a list helps me. It gives me plenty of options and I usually gravitate towards at least one, or rather I can make myself do at least one.

GET OUT OF YOUR RUT, PLEASE

  1. Get music in your life as much as possible (aka everyday). Whether you play, write, produce, or just listen, music takes a lot of us to better places. Bonus points if you include a mini dance party for one!
  2. Take a walk outside. Fresh air does wonders for everyone, you know, unless you live in the frozen tundra, then this option might be off the board for most of the year. There are nice winter days, though!
  3. CREATE anything—good, bad, great, big, small. It doesn’t matter. The greatest of ideas can come from the poorest of projects.
  4. (For writers out there) Just start writing. Do it for at least ten, if not twenty, minutes. Write down everything that goes through your head. Eventually, you’ll find yourself writing a killer idea.
  5. Clean the house. Reorganize. Do the dishes. I either listen to a podcast or some music and get lost in the work.
  6. Exercise. Yes, it helps. #endorphins 🙂
  7. Talk to someone! It’s so easy to get excited when you’re able to bounce ideas off of someone.
  8. Drink A TON of water, but not too much because that is bad. Water gives you energy and flushes out your body of any emotional eating that I will do when I’m in the dumps.
  9. Open the windows or blinds. Get sunlight inside! Even on a rainy day, it can be inspirational to watch or hear the rain.
  10. LAST, BUT MOST IMPORTANT:

Find something to fight for, something to work for. It doesn’t have to be big. It can be as simple as drinking two water bottles a day, or writing 500 words every day. If you can focus your mind and energy on completing one task at a time, one step at a time, things will start to change.

 

So here we go.

What are you fighting for?

 

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Battling Bad Days

In my last post, I introduced my secret of battling with my mental health. I can call it depression and anxiety, but I’ve never actually spoken to a doctor and been diagnosed. I do have a hard time believing it’d be anything less than that, but I wanted to put that out there.

Since then, I have been hitting my goals about 80 percent of the time (which is a pretty solid go the first week), but I’ll talk more about that in a few days when my first official week is over.

Today, I wanted to talk about the “bad day” I had yesterday.

I was sad and didn’t write or work out. I did clean my kitchen, but cleaning tends to be an effect of my bad days.

Since I’ve dived a little deeper into my myers-briggs thing, ENFP, I’ve learned why I’m usually sad.

I don’t spend time with people.

When the weekend hits and I have no plans with friends, it’s really rough and unless I’ve just had a handful of crazy weekends prior, it ends up in some sort of nighttime cry. (Most of the time, it’s brought on by a movie or show and I just cry a little harder than normal.)

ENFP’s get a lot of their energy from social interaction. We just like people, so being inside for a whole week by myself causes a hiccup in my mental health.

BUT, because I’ve learned this about myself, I’m aware of it. Being aware of why and what I’m going through is such a big help. It’s one thing that actively pulls me up and not down. For me, I’m able to repeat in my head little mantras to make my bad day attitude lighten up. It typically involves swear words because I am a sailor, but because I know when it hits and why, I can talk myself up.

I don’t know if any of that made sense, but I’m writing out my journey and sometimes I blubber out the words in a big ramble.

Tonight might be another similar night, but I’ll tell you this. I got through it yesterday, I can get through it today.

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